In a relationship, we invest years of love, hope, and dreams for a shared future. But what if, after a decade of dedication, you find yourself fundamentally opposed on values you hold dear? This is the dilemma I recently faced as I wrestled with the decision to end my 11-year relationship. Now, as I sit here reflecting, I’m left wondering: Am I the asshole for calling off my engagement because of political differences?
Our Journey Together
My fiancé and I met in college in 2013, and our relationship blossomed quickly. Back then, he was full of dreams, and I believed we shared the same vision for the future. We were young, optimistic, and ready to take on the world together. In the years that followed, I established a career as a nurse in California, working hard and juggling both a full-time and a part-time job, eventually reaching a salary close to $400,000 per year. My dream was to save enough so that, after having a child, I wouldn’t have to rely solely on my income or juggle multiple jobs to provide for our family.
However, over the years, my fiancé struggled with unemployment. He found it difficult to land a steady, well-paying job, often blaming external factors. When I saw him slip into depression, I tried to support him in every way I could. I encouraged him to go to therapy and even paid for him to return to school to pursue a career in nursing. But despite seven years of effort, he has yet to complete the prerequisites for the program. Meanwhile, he’s pieced together an income through gig jobs, barely scraping together $35,000 annually—a stark contrast to our cost of living in one of the most expensive regions in the country.
The First Red Flags
Throughout our relationship, I’ve been open about my liberal values, especially regarding women’s rights and equality. My fiancé always seemed neutral about my political beliefs, rarely engaging in discussions about current events. However, as time went on, I noticed subtle comments that hinted at an underlying difference in our perspectives. He would occasionally make offhand remarks about women “losing their worth” as they age, dismissing my concerns by insisting they were only jokes. Still, these comments lingered in my mind, chipping away at the vision I once held for our future together.
Then, when Trump was elected in 2016, my fiancé expressed admiration, saying that Trump would “fix the economy” and “finally help him get a good job.” I brushed it off as temporary frustration and continued to believe that his struggles with employment were clouding his judgment. But deep down, I couldn’t ignore the shift I was seeing in him.
The Breaking Point
Fast forward to this year, as we began planning our wedding and discussing starting a family. I felt an increasing urgency to understand where we stood on fundamental values. In the past week, however, the conversations took a turn I couldn’t ignore. My fiancé has become unyielding in his support of the “Make America Great Again” (MAGA) movement, praising Trump and constantly talking about how he will “make everything great again.” This sudden fervor felt like a betrayal to everything I stand for, especially as a woman and as someone who has fought hard to create a life rooted in fairness, equality, and compassion.
I confronted him, trying to make him understand the depth of my discomfort and concern. To him, it was merely “just politics” and not a reason to end our relationship. This statement solidified what I had feared: our core values were simply too different. It wasn’t just about politics—it was about the respect, empathy, and shared ideals I had once thought we both cherished.
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The Decision to Walk Away
Ending an 11-year relationship wasn’t easy. I struggled with feelings of guilt and fear of abandoning someone I had loved for so long. But when I evaluated everything I’d sacrificed, both financially and emotionally, it became clear that I couldn’t ignore my own beliefs for the sake of “sunken costs.” The idea of building a life, let alone raising a child, with someone who didn’t respect or understand the values I hold close was unbearable.
I had hoped for a supportive partner who could stand on his own, especially as I considered taking time off work to care for a child. Instead, I found myself with someone who seemed more invested in political ideologies that conflicted with my principles than in our future together. Telling him that our engagement was off and asking him to move out was heart-wrenching, knowing he may have to return to his parents’ home or face a harsh financial reality. But at this point, I could no longer sacrifice my well-being and integrity for the sake of a relationship that no longer felt like home.
Why This Isn’t “Just Politics”
Some might argue that breaking up over political views seems drastic. But for me, this isn’t “just politics.” Politics often reflect deeper values—views on humanity, equality, respect, and empathy. They represent how we see the world and what we consider right and wrong. Living with someone who invalidates these beliefs or sees them as trivial is not only exhausting but also damaging to my sense of self-worth.
Imagine raising a child with someone who may not respect or believe in the same rights you want to protect for that child. Imagine spending your life with someone whose view of “making things great” fundamentally contradicts your own. To me, this isn’t about picking sides; it’s about protecting the life I’ve worked so hard to build and ensuring I’m in a relationship where mutual respect thrives.
Am I the Asshole?
The question of whether I’m the “asshole” lingers, but as I sit here writing this, I feel a sense of clarity and relief. Perhaps to some, I am. Perhaps others will judge me for walking away after so many years. But, at the end of the day, I believe in the importance of values, mutual respect, and shared vision. Staying in a relationship that undermines those things would have made me resentful, compromising who I am at my core.
Ending my engagement was painful, but it was the right choice for me, for my future, and for the person I want to become.
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